Is this what they were talking about?

Okay I will admit. When I first had my little bundle, I didn't know what to do with her. I'd always heard about people who "fell in love" Instantly with baby. I said what the hell are they talking about. "bonding" I didn't know anything about that.

Of course its hard to bond with a baby when she is wisked away from you the moment she pops out and you don't get to see her or hold her. My husband tells me that once they got her breathing, which I'm pretty sure took at least ten minetes, that they brought her over for me to look at, but I don't really remember that.

The first memory I have of my child really, thats clear, is looking at her through the isolette in the NICU. I was bombarded with information that I didn't really listen too, and was told I couldn't hold her. So whatever I thought, when can I go home? At this point I had been in the hospital for two weeks and just wanted to sleep in my own my bed next to sweet husband.

For almost three months I spent everyday going into the hospital and sitting with her everyday, as she got stronger I was allowed to feed her, formula, could hold her for short amounts of time, and change her.

I hated it! It was miserable. My husband said it was because I was a mommy without her baby, but I felt like it was just taking time out of my life when I could be doing something better, like working. Going to the hospital every day, just seemed rediculous. Alot of people said to me, " I don't know how you stay so strong, if that was my little girl, going through surgery, and stuff, I just wouldn't be able to keep it together" I didn't think of myself as being strong at all. I just always thought, well I've never had a baby at home, so still not having a baby around is normal. I thought if anything bad happened to her well life would just go back to the way it always was except I'd be MUCH fatter!
Oh and didn't that make me feel aweful. How could I have these feelings. What a horrible person I must be. I don't even care. I've come to see those feeling as a defence mechinism, so I didn't have to feel any pain over what was going on. That and some post partem depression. Then the day came when I got to bring her home.

I thought this is it, I can finally feel for my baby like other mommys do, but I didn't. She was more like a huge intrusion into my life. I couldn't wait till the weekends when there was a chance that her grammie would take her for the night. And remember I planned to have her too. I didn't know what to do. I was tired all the time, I felt like hubby wasn't helping as much as he should, I couldn't leave the house. I was just miserable.

Now however...I sure do like her alot. Sometimes, like anyone her crying really gets to me, or when everything is going well and she suddly pukes all over me, and I have to clean up a huge mess, I really think....why......but mostly I'm glad I have her. I couldn't imgine my family without her. Shes at that age now, where shes learning something new everyday, and her cuteness will just weaken me. I really do love her . I just wish I could have experianced that instant love that I hear so many new mothers talk about.